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The listings for the Kennedy Center in Washington shows a lighthearted bilingual show and an ad-libbed theatrical troupe. Curiously absent from the public line-up is the upcoming FIFA World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively private event. Planners seem intent on prevent any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what promises to be an drawn-out, self-aggrandizing procession where well-paid dignitaries will doubtlessly repeat the well-worn cliche that "football unites the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Crew

This glitzy ceremony is due to be emceed by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum alongside diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be gridiron star Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Together, they will oversee a ceremony that will certainly have English football fans nostalgic for longing for the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a trusty fabric pouch of simple, numbered balls.

Slated to last nearly three torturous hours, the event will feature a lengthy playlist of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental video montages, scripted jokes, famous faces, musical turns from acts with perhaps little shame or financial motivations, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Athletic Greats on Draw Detail

Included in those helping to conducting the ceremony? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Considering the considerable, deep well of personality possessed by these veteran sporting icons, barring an uniformed security team crashing the event, it's hard to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an overly deferential spokesperson is any sort of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the response was vague. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every area, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The suggestion seemed to be that premium costs are acceptable when contrasted with other luxury goods.

The Football Business

With over forty teams already secured a place for next summer's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a real air of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the main draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their particular country will face in the group stages, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which comes before the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "individuals who help bring together people in peace through unwavering dedication and notable actions." Given that the draw is in Washington and the tournament is primarily in the United States, guesses about the recipient are widespread, even if the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-game losing streak, providing a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when changes occur down the line.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a lower league club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"